June 19, 2019
I can’t tell you how much I have been resisting writing this post.
In fact I have been resisting posting at all.
Thats OK when you are a blogger for fun, or write as a bit of a side hustle.
But when your business is based on you communicating and interacting with the world…and you just want to hide away and not say a thing…well then you have a problem.
This isn’t the first time I have felt like this.
In the 9 years I have been blogging there has of course been times where I have not wanted to write, where I have felt dissolutioned with the running and the online world (both equally trying I can tell ya)
But somehow this feels different.
At first I thought it was just the post marathon blues, without a race to train for its tough to get back out there.
But when the stuff around the London Marathon kicked off and then the Plus Size Mannequin story came out, and I was being asked to comment…I still didn’t want to write and that’s when I knew something was properly up.
Because normally I would jump at the chance of sharing my thoughts on these issues. In fact I even turned down a TV thing with GMTV…I just couldn’t face it.
And here’s why…
I’m done with fighting.
I really do not want to have to carry on convincing people that there is still work to be done to make sport accessible for everyone. (and doing this unpaid btw) I’m fed up of having to defend my position, my work, the way I earn a living.
I am sick of being told I am an influencer and I should and shouldn’t behave in certain ways…when the income from TFTR is tiny in comparison to the other ways I now make money.
I am sick of jumping through hoops for the good of the cause…only to realise that the hoops were just a way of keeping me busy so I don’t get on with the real work.
I can feel that stress in my body and it doesn’t feel good.
There is so much I want to say in this post but I won’t…and that feels shitty, because I’ve always been able to speak my truth…but I have learned the hard way far too often through this blog…let me tell you the brands, the funders, the media are far more powerful, resourced and resilient than I am.
…and I have too much to lose.
I have lost my voice.
That is what has happened. The running mojo comes and goes, that’s just how it is…but when it comes to talking about running I literally can not find the motivation to be the spokesperson for it.
I just want to help women to run.
Can I not just do that?
I have been accused so often in the past of being angry, self-obsessed, a liar (yeah cos you can’t be fat and run marathons), and negative…and when you are told that over and over again you start to believe it and perhaps even see more of that in the world.
Or you just stop communicating.
I don’t know if I will carry on running.
I am still doing CrossFit, I am still cycling, I might get back to the pool this week…but running who knows?
What I am still doing though is supporting the wonderful women in my Too Fat to Run community we have just short of 300 women in there right now…signed up to my mobile phone app, many doing my latest programme 10K your Way…and I will continue to share their stories on my social media channels.
I am also focussing more on my life coaching work, because hey that stuff is rewarding and I don’t get attacked or frustrated in the same way…it makes a tangible difference to the people that matter.
In fact, I have a new thing which I am going to be talking a lot more about next week. Stop Playing Small….a 6 week intensive programme for women who are done with limiting themselves to keep other people happy, and are ready to lead bigger more courageous lives.
Make of that what you will.
I’d like to say a massive thank you to all of the women that continue to support me and the Too Fat to Run philosophy, the women that post on social media and in my app, who often keep me from going crazy and just giving up.
You guys are the reason I am still here.
And while I am in this funk, if any of you lovely ladies would like to be featured in a guest blog post, I’d love to share the wonderful things you are doing, and your thoughts and opinions on the running world.
Just send me 500-100 words and some photos to email@example.com, and I will see what I can do.